No more confession of feelings. No telling others about how you might be interested in someone. No looking at each other as each other’s future epoch-making other. Just simply starting off as friends and letting that friendship buildup. Letting that friendship build onto intimate terms, or possibly stay the same. It’s time for something new.
The feeling of being in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I think I forgot what it feels like. I don’t remember what it feels like to love that significant other. To have that deep affection and devotion. To have that warmth when you’re with them and that attachment. In the last two relationships, the relationship ended right after an “I love you,” or right before it and yeah, part of it was my fault. I just didn’t feel that spark, or have the same feelings as in the beginning. I felt like it wasn’t a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, only a friends with benefits thing, but there was commitment. I want to know what it feels like to fall in love, and be in a long term relationship. I want my next to be the one: friend, best friend, lover, boyfriend, then when the time comes - husband. It’s a lot to ask for, and I’m trying my best to be patient.
Lately, nothing is as quite as real as it seems. I've been turned off by commitment, and I've sort of became heartless. I let things just float right pass me and put up with attitudes and bs. I sometimes seem to have no sense of feeling. I let go easily. If you mess up once, I’ll usually forgive you. If you mess up again, I’ll automatically be done with you, tell you it’s okay, and forgive because I was taught to do so. Then, as I have time to think and process my thoughts I usually find myself not wanting anything to do with you. You’re pretty lucky, if I still want something to do with you. I don’t know what’s become of me. There’s some people I have tolerance for, but I noticed I have low tolerance for people I’ve recently encountered. Maybe I need more “Me” time. I hardly get any now that people are always at my house and constantly bothering me to help them with school stuff and what not. I usually don’t mind helping people, but it feels as if no one can help me or doesn’t want to. Sigh.
Why am I still awake? Oh yeah, just had the urge to finish Inception, and every time I fell asleep I would rewind to where I last left off. Had to do that like 2 or three times. It was definitely worth it, though. Spent my Saturday baking cookies with Jasmine, and doing community service at St. Viator for the bake sale and presentation of the nativities. Then, took the bus to townsquare, ate a 220-B at Johnny Mcguire's and just chilled. Listened to this one lady at Borders, she had some good lines to sing. Anyways, off to bed. I'm tired, sort of.
Have my Hawaiian music streaming into my ears with shoulders that are a little sore from gymnastics, but I'm just happy it's Saturday. It may not be a long weekend, but this past week just felt so long. I was out of it yesterday. Couldn't find myself to focus on the subject of the class and was lacking sleep every single day of this week. I just needed a day or two to sleep in and to have at least a small feeling of relaxation. Thank you Saturday for finally coming.